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Serves 4

Brown Baby Stock
1 13-14lb baby, gutted and head removed
12c water
1/2c red wine
1 small yellow onion, coarsely chopped
1 medium carrot, coarsely chopped
1 celery stalk, coarsely chopped
3 cloves garlic
2T tomato paste
1 bouquet garni
10 whole black peppercorns

Preheat oven to 475º

Remove baby breasts and appendages and refrigerate. Quarter the baby carcass. Place the pieces in large roasting pan. Roast for 1 hour. Remove the pan from the oven and pour off and reserve the fat. Add the carcass to a stockpot. Add 1 tablespoon of the reserved fat to the roasting pan over medium heat. Add the onion, carrots, celery, and garlic and cook, stirring frequently, until the vegetables are lightly caramelized, about 10 minutes. Stir in the tomato paste and cook until vegetables are a deep amber color, about 10 minutes. Deglaze the pan with 1/3 cup red wine, scraping the bottom with a wooden spoon to loosen the browned bits. Pour the contents into the stockpot, covering with water and adding the bouquet garni and peppercorns. Bring the stockpot to a boil and reduce to a simmer. Cook for 8 hours, adding extra water if the water level drops below the bones. Strain through a mesh sieve lined with cheesecloth. Freeze any extra stock.

Crepes

1c all-purpose flour
3 eggs
1 1/2c whole milk
1/4t sea salt
1/8t ground black pepper
3t unsalted butter, melted, plus butter for cooking crepes

Whisk together the flour, eggs, 1/2 cup milk, salt and pepper in a large bowl. Continue whisking until you have a smooth batter. Add the remaining cup of milk and stir well to combine. Cover the bowl and place it in the refrigerator to chill the batter for at least 30 minutes. Melt the butter in a small saucepan over medium heat. Just before you are ready to make the crepes, whisk in the melted butter. The batter should be the consistency of heavy cream; if it is too thick, add milk slowly while whisking constantly until it is the right texture. Heat a 9-inch non-stick skillet or crepe pan over medium heat. Melt a teaspoon of butter in the pan or spray with vegetable spray and heat the pan u ntil a drop of water “dances” across the surface. Using a ladle or a measuring cup with a lip, pour about 1/4 to 1/3 cup of the batter into the pan. Hold the pan with 1 hand and pour the batter in with the other. Swirl the pan while pouring so that the batter covers the pan thinly and evenly for each crepe. Pour off any excess batter. Try not to leave any holes. After the first few crepes you will know exactly how much batter your pan will hold. Cook the crepe over medium-high heat until the edges turn brown, about 15 seconds. Flip the crepe using a small spatula and your fingers. Cook on the second side for another 10 to 15 seconds. The second side
will not be as evenly browned as the first side. Remove the pan from the heat and invert it over a warm plate to stack the crepes. Keep warm until ready to use.

Crepe Filling

baby legs and arms
1/4c baby brown stock
1/2c morel mushrooms
1T shallot, finely chopped
1lb fingerling potatoes, sliced 1/4 inch thick
2T extra virgin olive oil
4T butter
2T chopped parsley
salt and pepper, to taste

Remove the meat from the baby appendages, carefully removing all of the skin, fat, tendons, ligaments, and membranes. You should end up with many morsels of clean leg and arm meat. Set aside the bones (Side Note: the bone marrow makes a tasty treat spread on small toasts topped with fleur de sel). In a large sauté pan over medium heat, heat one tablespoon each of butter and olive oil and cook the potatoes until golden brown, about 20 minutes. While the potatoes are cooking, heat one tablespoon each of butter and olive oil in a medium sauté pan, and cook the mushrooms and shallots
until the mushrooms begin to release their liquid, about 10 minutes. Add one tablespoon of butter to a third sauté pan, and
sauté the meat on medium high heat for 2 minutes. Add the baby brown stock and reduce until the meat morsels have been glazed, about 10 minutes. Combine all with parsley, salt, and pepper, and keep warm.

Baby Breasts

2 baby breasts, skin on, cut in half length-wise
2T butter
1T grapeseed oil
salt and pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 450º

Pat the baby breasts dry and score the skin side of the breasts. Season with salt and pepper. In a large heavy oven-proof skillet, heat the butter and olive oil over high heat, and sear the baby breasts for 5 minutes until the skin is crisp and most of the fat has rendered off. Turn the breasts and sear for an additional minute. Transfer the skillet to the oven for 4 minutes.

Baby Demi-glace sauce

2c baby brown stock
1T butter, plus 1T cold butter
2T shallot, finely chopped
1/2c wild mushrooms, chopped
2T red wine
1t thyme, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Place the stock in a large pot and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to a simmer and simmer until reduced to 1/2 cup. In a saucepan over medium heat, add 1 tablespoon of the butter and melt. Add the shallot and saute until translucent, about 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms and saute until they have given off their liquid, about 5 minutes. Add the red wine and reduce until almost dry, about 1 minute. Add the stock and simmer to heat through. Add the thyme and season with salt and pepper. Finish with the remaining tablespoon butter.

Presentation

Fill the warm crepes with the morel, potato, and baby appendage filling and place two on each plate. Put a breast piece diagonally across, leaning on one of the crepes. Spoon the baby demi-glace sauce onto the plate around the breast. Wine Suggestion: A well-aged bottle of red Hermitage from the Northern Rhone would match the earthy, gamy flavors of this dish beautifully.

- Recipe submitted by Meaty Popsicles

2 Comments »

Ingredients:

3 cups-cooked minute rice
1 can-cream of chicken soup.
1 can-cream of celery soup.
1 pack-dried onion soup mix
1/2 cup of water
2 to 3 baby limbs

Directions:
Preheat oven to 325 for 10 minutes. Mix cooked rice with chicken soup, celery soup & 1/2 cup of water.  Once well mixed, pour into a cake pan (glass or metal) (one of those rectangular pans)  I prefer glass and place baby limbs on top of rice.  Sprinkle dried onion soup mix over the top of baby limbs & rice.  Place two layers of aluminum foil over the top and bake for 2 hours.  (no peeking) Will feed 2 adults with some leftovers for lunch the following day. Enjoy!!!

– Recipe submitted by Jerry

3 Comments »

Ingredients:

1 warm 8-10 lb baby (live or partially birthed, but aborted)
16 oz infant colon polyps (may be hard to find, try any children’s cancer hospital dumpster)
1/2 lb butter
Salt
Pepper
1 lb baby carrots
1 large sweet onion
1 bunch of celery
3 bay leafs
1 baby apple
1 can vegetable spray
1 Caucasian man (Vanilla)
1 Gay man (Strawberry)
1 African American man (Chocolate)

Grease a 12″x 24″ shallow cookie sheet. Place seasoned baby face down with apple in it’s mouth on cookie sheet on kitchen table with head towards the center of the table. Have the Caucasian man (whitey always goes first) step up to the table and spank the baby’s butt until it is pink. Then have the Caucasian man place the palms of his hands on each cheek of the now tender baby butt and insert both thumbs into the baby’s ass and pull the ass hole far enough apart to ease stuffing. (you will hear the baby’s hip break)
While the Caucasian man is holding the baby’s ass open, have the Gay man (he will probably volunteer) spray the Caucasian man’s penis with the vegetable spray and work in until erect. Have the Caucasian thrust his penis into the baby until he ejaculates his own special seasoning into the babies ass. Have the Gay man repeat the same steps. Then have the African American man wash your car, mow your lawn, clean your house, chop the onion, celery, and carrots. When you are satisfied with his work, let him do the baby too. Then have the African American stuff the onions, celery, bay leaf, and carrots into the seamen filled cavity of the baby while you, whitey, and the Gay man have a beer. Bake the thrice stuffed baby at 425 degrees for 1 hour. While the baby is baking, sauté the colon polyps in the butter. After 1 hour, take the baby out, cut into quarters, and ladle the sautéed colon polyps over the quartered baby, salt and pepper to taste and serve. After eating, have the African American clean up.

– Recipe submitted by Jennifer Diamico

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Ingredients:

One live Chinese baby
Flour pancakes
Baby carrots
Rice
Peas
Proper Moo Shu sauces, etc.

Preparation:

Prepare as you would any normal Moo Shu dish. Chinese Baby requires some precooking preparation. Firstly, blind baby using dental floss. Next, grate baby’s skin with cheese grater to obtain nice reddish/yellowish/whitish/bluish montage of color. Flash-fry baby, then slice into 1/4 inch pieces. Mix with peas, carrots, sauces. Serve over rice. If male baby, garnish with penis.

- Recipe submitted by Anonymous

2 Comments »

Mix the following together in a bowl:

1 tsp vinegar
1 tsp pepper (black)
2 tbsp cornstarch
2 tsp sesame oil
2 eggs
1 lb. freshly-killed infant flesh, deboned and cut into thin strips.
The buttocks and thighs are especially tender.

Mix the following in a separate bowl:

4 carrots, julienned
2 medium onions, chopped in large pieces
1 bundle scallions, chopped
1 can water chestnuts

Mongolian Sauce:

Mix the following:

8 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp sugar
2 tsp vinegar
2 tsp hot sauce
2 tsp red pepper flakes
2 tsp minced garlic
1 tbsp sesame oil

Heat 1/2 cup oil (peanut oil is best) in a wok or large pan. Add the infant mixture and cook, stirring constantly until the flesh is no longer pink. Add the vegetables and continue cooking, stirring occasionally until the onions start to turn clear. Pour on the sauce and cook until bubbly. Serve over rice.

- Recipe submitted by Jadite

1 Comment »

How do you make a baby float:

2 parts dead baby (or live)
1 part ice cream

THEN BLEND!

- Recipe submitted by Mike Givemeadollar

5 Comments »

I use this recipe to bulkup during weight training.
Buy a baby from the market (your local daycare usually has good prices and a fine selection).
If you feel like catching your own, try trailer homes. They are easy to break into and encounters with hysterical trailer park mamas are always exciting, and a great appetite builder.

Ingredients:

12oz portion of raw baby
1 or 2 eggs for texture
56 grams of a protein supplement consisting of milk (casein), whey and amino acids

Preparation:

place all ingredients in blender.
blend till drinkable liquid.

Consumption:

Drink raw – Rocky style. Best done first thing in the morning. Play 80′s style heavy metal music to get pumped up while doing it!

- Recipe submitted by Manga Bambino

No Comments »

Call your favorite Chinese restaurant and ask if they have a corking fee.

Chances are that if they let you bring in your own wine, the would be less likely to raise objections over other outside ingestibles. Once you have found the right restaurant, swing by your local movie theater and keep your ears peeled. When you hear the intolerable squeals of a fresh baby, you’ve found your main ingredient. Approach the baby discreetly, and “accidentally” put a plastic bag over its head until it stops wiggling.

When the baby is dead, the parents probably wont want it anymore and wont mind if you take it off their hands. Once you have the delicious baby, you need to head to the restaurant that you chose as quickly as possible (to maintain freshness) and order some Moo Goo Gai Pan. Discreetly request that the waiter allow you to provide the “Chicken” yourself, and hand him the sweet little tater toddler you appropriated earlier. If he raises any objections, tell him that it is a tofurky, and he will leave you alone.

Wait for the kitchen to cook that tasty cherub to perfection, and enjoy!

*Note: You could also add baby to your own Moo Goo Gai Pan recipe, but face it: your Moo Goo Gai Pan wouldn’t be nearly as good. Why waste a perfectly good baby on a dish that you aren’t sure of?
**Another Note: This recipes works best with Chinese babies, but most any Asian baby will do. Any other baby would still be fine, because we all know that nothing pleases the palate quite like a wee juicy baby.

- Recipe submitted by Ivy M.

2 Comments »

Procure a baby from a neighbor or friend by volunteering to *look after* it.

Singe the hair from its body and eviscerate through the bunghole so as not to put any tears in the body cavity.

It would be okay at this point to rub the warm entrails over your genital area whilst dancing around the kitchen singing ‘Break On Through’ at the top of your lungs.

After you’ve finished playing with your food, borrow the neighbor’s gerbils (you will need about 3 if baby is small). Chase them around the kitchen with a large dull serrated bread knife.

When you have them cornered, quaking and puling, make them beg for mercy till you get bored, then hack them into bite-sized chunks.note: It’s a good idea to make this recipe at someone else’s house to keep cleanup to a minimum.

Now sit back and slug a few shots of Cuervo, admiring your handiwork. Scraping up the pulpy bloody gerbil-bits, lift the baby by the legs and spread them wide. At this point you may need a helper unless you thoughtfully left a canning funnel nearby.

Shove the slippery gerbil pieces into the baby rectum as far as you can and if the baby is reasonably fresh, the sphincter muscle will contract to keep the stuffing inside.

Lay out on large platter. Have 8 more shots of Cuervo in quick succession and when your gorge rises, aim for the baby and spew in an orderly fashion until evenly coated.

Serve before the vomit cools.
Add a nice green salad, a bottle of Chablis and a loaf of thick crusty bread to mop up those juices.

- Recipe submitted by Morticia

8 Comments »

5 baby fingers
1 baby heart (umm they are tasty) and strawberry daiquiri mix as needed
shit loads of rum
ice to fit your need

Remember to drink some of the rum while you are killing the baby. This will take some of the pain out of it for you. No need to feel pain when you are killing a baby, right? Also make sure you mix it for a while, and don’t forget to scrape the meat off the finger. You can also make this on the rocks but remember to blend your baby.

– Recipe submitted by Kyle Mattox

2 Comments »