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Take 1 whiney baby and put into shallow empty baby pool. Shove golf ball into mouth. With aluminum baseball bat beat baby. Then drop 10 lb. bowling ball on baby’s head. With football cleats climb into pool and mush and smash baby into a gushy bloody liquid. This may take awhile, so you might want to make a party of it. Barbacue and beer, everybody taking a turn. The first person to puke from excessive alcohol intake gets to do the honors and puke into the baby pool. Stir with hockey stick. Pass out on backyard lawn. The next day drag baby pool with contents into shed and pull boat tarp snuggly over pool and secure. Let age. 1 month later, use a fishing net to scoop out any solid matter. Put into tuperware bowl to use as bait later. Syphon liquid into beer keg. Put lid on. Invite friends over for another blow out awesome party. This time serve cheese and french bread to go with your Sportsman’s Baby Whine.

- Recipe submitted by Marquise Renee Pelagie de Sade

Ingredients:

1 overweight male baby
1L of fresh pigs blood

Intructions:

With a large spoon, scoop out all the insides of your well chosen baby(through the ass). Place the insides in a bowl and put aside for later use. With a kitchen knife, cut the fingers, toes and genitalia off.

Chop them up into little pieces and mix in 1 cup of fresh pigs blood. Once you’ve done that, again find the baby’s ass, and stuff the chopped up ingredients inside. Put your baby in the oven and heat for 45 min. Heat the insides too but only for the last 10 min. Once cooked, place your baby on a platter , serve insides(they should look nice and juicy) on the side. If desired, use left over blood as a drink for the whole family to enjoy.

Serves a party of 4

– Recipe submitted by Shilo

Ingredients:

10 small, premature born babies
4 cups old bay
3 gallons water
1 gallon vinegar
Bring water, vinegar, and old bay mixture to boil in large cauldron. Add babies and steam until skin is bright red and crisp. Enjoy with either skin on or off.

- Recipe submitted by Anonymous

Ingredients:

4 tender fattened (preferably) Mexican babies
1 packet of taco seasoning sauce mix
1 jar of salsa
Toppings of your choice
Tortillas (if you make them yourself, try substituting finely ground baby bones instead of flour) Salt & pepper to taste

Debone and then grind the young chil-o-dren to crunchy bits or a fine paste, whatever you prefer. Pour some baby oil into a hot skillet and start frying up the delicious meat. Slowly mix in the seasoning. Heat up the tortillas in the oven, and prepare the toppings. Once the meat has finished frying, take it out of the skillet and drain the excess baby oil. The meat is then tender and ready to be served. This meal is easy to prepare, works well on short notice, and is always a favorite with the leftover children. This recipe takes advantage of all parts of the baby, without leaving a lot of leftover parts.

- Recipe submitted by Jolie the Dominatrix

Ingredients:

12 soft dimpled baby hands, wrists removed
12 large bay scallops
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/2 tsp. ginger
salt/pepper to taste
large pineapple chunks
red pepper chunks

Method:
Mix the garlic, ginger and scallops together and let sit for 20 minutes. Taking long metal skewers (or alternatively, bamboo skewers that have been soaked in water for an hour), and thread each thusly: red pepper, baby hand (palm up), scallop (nestling each in the palm), pineapple repeating this order till filled. End with a piece of red pepper to secure and salt and pepper to taste. Grill over med-high coals, turning often for even browning, till the baby hands curl around each scallop and the nails pop off easily, (should be approx. 8-10 minutes depending on the age of the hands). Have a squirt bottle of water handy (no pun intended) for those annoying greasy flare-ups. Serve with a green salad, a crisp white wine and plenty of crusty bread to sop up those juices.

- Recipe submitted by Morticia

Ingredients:
- 2 highly skilled ninjas
- 1 box of multi food coloring
- 1 box of popcicle sticks
- 2 very fat phat babies

Instructions:After hiring two very skilled ninjas you then must ask them to perform moves off of a fight scene from “Jackie Chan Goes to China.” That should take care of those feisty babies. If not, these ninjas may be imposters. Immediately check their ninja license of ninja incorporated from ninjatown, ninjaworld. Proceeed by taking the lifeless babies and plunging their helpless souls into an extremely large bucket of ice. We like to call this…an extremely large bucket of ice. At last let the babies freeze for at least two hours but for your own enjoyment you may watch the bodies shrivel up to prunes for an extra three to four hours. Now add food coloring of your choice, allow soaking for about ten minutes. Now for the grand finale! Break off arms, legs, tounges, any toe of choice! (pinkies are our favorite) Finish by inserting the sticks into the babies’ phalanges. Share with friends…and let them guess the body part!

- Recipe submitted from the kitchens of Tricia & Charlie