Recipes
  

Recipes submitted by our loyal fans. Submit new recipes in the forums.

The Sportsman’s Baby Whine
  

Take 1 whiney baby and put into shallow empty baby pool. Shove golf ball into mouth. With aluminum baseball bat beat baby. Then drop 10 lb. bowling ball on baby’s head. With football cleats climb into pool and mush and smash baby into a gushy bloody liquid. This may take awhile, so you might want to make a party of it. Barbacue and beer, everybody taking a turn. The first person to puke from excessive alcohol intake gets to do the honors and puke into the baby pool. Stir with hockey stick. Pass out on backyard lawn. The next day drag baby pool with contents into shed and pull boat tarp snuggly over pool and secure. Let age. 1 month later, use a fishing net to scoop out any solid matter. Put into tuperware bowl to use as bait later. Syphon liquid into beer keg. Put lid on. Invite friends over for another blow out awesome party. This time serve cheese and french bread to go with your Sportsman’s Baby Whine.


- Recipe submitted by Marquise Renee Pelagie de Sade

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Rating: 4.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Stuffed Baby
  

Ingredients:

1 overweight male baby
1L of fresh pigs blood

Intructions:

With a large spoon, scoop out all the insides of your well chosen baby(through the ass). Place the insides in a bowl and put aside for later use. With a kitchen knife, cut the fingers, toes and genitalia off.

Chop them up into little pieces and mix in 1 cup of fresh pigs blood. Once you’ve done that, again find the baby’s ass, and stuff the chopped up ingredients inside. Put your baby in the oven and heat for 45 min. Heat the insides too but only for the last 10 min. Once cooked, place your baby on a platter , serve insides(they should look nice and juicy) on the side. If desired, use left over blood as a drink for the whole family to enjoy.

Serves a party of 4


– Recipe submitted by Shilo

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Rating: 3.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Steamed Babies
  

Ingredients:

10 small, premature born babies
4 cups old bay
3 gallons water
1 gallon vinegar
Bring water, vinegar, and old bay mixture to boil in large cauldron. Add babies and steam until skin is bright red and crisp. Enjoy with either skin on or off.


- Recipe submitted by Anonymous

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Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Spicy Baby Tortillas
  

Ingredients:

4 tender fattened (preferably) Mexican babies
1 packet of taco seasoning sauce mix
1 jar of salsa
Toppings of your choice
Tortillas (if you make them yourself, try substituting finely ground baby bones instead of flour) Salt & pepper to taste

Debone and then grind the young chil-o-dren to crunchy bits or a fine paste, whatever you prefer. Pour some baby oil into a hot skillet and start frying up the delicious meat. Slowly mix in the seasoning. Heat up the tortillas in the oven, and prepare the toppings. Once the meat has finished frying, take it out of the skillet and drain the excess baby oil. The meat is then tender and ready to be served. This meal is easy to prepare, works well on short notice, and is always a favorite with the leftover children. This recipe takes advantage of all parts of the baby, without leaving a lot of leftover parts.

- Recipe submitted by Jolie the Dominatrix

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Rating: 3.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Scallop and Babyhand Shish Kabob
  

Ingredients:

12 soft dimpled baby hands, wrists removed
12 large bay scallops
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/2 tsp. ginger
salt/pepper to taste
large pineapple chunks
red pepper chunks

Method:
Mix the garlic, ginger and scallops together and let sit for 20 minutes. Taking long metal skewers (or alternatively, bamboo skewers that have been soaked in water for an hour), and thread each thusly: red pepper, baby hand (palm up), scallop (nestling each in the palm), pineapple repeating this order till filled. End with a piece of red pepper to secure and salt and pepper to taste. Grill over med-high coals, turning often for even browning, till the baby hands curl around each scallop and the nails pop off easily, (should be approx. 8-10 minutes depending on the age of the hands). Have a squirt bottle of water handy (no pun intended) for those annoying greasy flare-ups. Serve with a green salad, a crisp white wine and plenty of crusty bread to sop up those juices.

- Recipe submitted by Morticia

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Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Phalange on a Stick
  

Ingredients:
- 2 highly skilled ninjas
- 1 box of multi food coloring
- 1 box of popcicle sticks
- 2 very fat phat babies

Instructions:After hiring two very skilled ninjas you then must ask them to perform moves off of a fight scene from “Jackie Chan Goes to China.” That should take care of those feisty babies. If not, these ninjas may be imposters. Immediately check their ninja license of ninja incorporated from ninjatown, ninjaworld. Proceeed by taking the lifeless babies and plunging their helpless souls into an extremely large bucket of ice. We like to call this…an extremely large bucket of ice. At last let the babies freeze for at least two hours but for your own enjoyment you may watch the bodies shrivel up to prunes for an extra three to four hours. Now add food coloring of your choice, allow soaking for about ten minutes. Now for the grand finale! Break off arms, legs, tounges, any toe of choice! (pinkies are our favorite) Finish by inserting the sticks into the babies’ phalanges. Share with friends…and let them guess the body part!

- Recipe submitted from the kitchens of Tricia & Charlie

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Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Pan-Roasted Baby Breast with Morel, Potato, and Baby Appendage Crepes
  

Serves 4

Brown Baby Stock
1 13-14lb baby, gutted and head removed
12c water
1/2c red wine
1 small yellow onion, coarsely chopped
1 medium carrot, coarsely chopped
1 celery stalk, coarsely chopped
3 cloves garlic
2T tomato paste
1 bouquet garni
10 whole black peppercorns

Preheat oven to 475º

Remove baby breasts and appendages and refrigerate. Quarter the baby carcass. Place the pieces in large roasting pan. Roast for 1 hour. Remove the pan from the oven and pour off and reserve the fat. Add the carcass to a stockpot. Add 1 tablespoon of the reserved fat to the roasting pan over medium heat. Add the onion, carrots, celery, and garlic and cook, stirring frequently, until the vegetables are lightly caramelized, about 10 minutes. Stir in the tomato paste and cook until vegetables are a deep amber color, about 10 minutes. Deglaze the pan with 1/3 cup red wine, scraping the bottom with a wooden spoon to loosen the browned bits. Pour the contents into the stockpot, covering with water and adding the bouquet garni and peppercorns. Bring the stockpot to a boil and reduce to a simmer. Cook for 8 hours, adding extra water if the water level drops below the bones. Strain through a mesh sieve lined with cheesecloth. Freeze any extra stock.

Crepes

1c all-purpose flour
3 eggs
1 1/2c whole milk
1/4t sea salt
1/8t ground black pepper
3t unsalted butter, melted, plus butter for cooking crepes

Whisk together the flour, eggs, 1/2 cup milk, salt and pepper in a large bowl. Continue whisking until you have a smooth batter. Add the remaining cup of milk and stir well to combine. Cover the bowl and place it in the refrigerator to chill the batter for at least 30 minutes. Melt the butter in a small saucepan over medium heat. Just before you are ready to make the crepes, whisk in the melted butter. The batter should be the consistency of heavy cream; if it is too thick, add milk slowly while whisking constantly until it is the right texture. Heat a 9-inch non-stick skillet or crepe pan over medium heat. Melt a teaspoon of butter in the pan or spray with vegetable spray and heat the pan u ntil a drop of water “dances” across the surface. Using a ladle or a measuring cup with a lip, pour about 1/4 to 1/3 cup of the batter into the pan. Hold the pan with 1 hand and pour the batter in with the other. Swirl the pan while pouring so that the batter covers the pan thinly and evenly for each crepe. Pour off any excess batter. Try not to leave any holes. After the first few crepes you will know exactly how much batter your pan will hold. Cook the crepe over medium-high heat until the edges turn brown, about 15 seconds. Flip the crepe using a small spatula and your fingers. Cook on the second side for another 10 to 15 seconds. The second side
will not be as evenly browned as the first side. Remove the pan from the heat and invert it over a warm plate to stack the crepes. Keep warm until ready to use.

Crepe Filling

baby legs and arms
1/4c baby brown stock
1/2c morel mushrooms
1T shallot, finely chopped
1lb fingerling potatoes, sliced 1/4 inch thick
2T extra virgin olive oil
4T butter
2T chopped parsley
salt and pepper, to taste

Remove the meat from the baby appendages, carefully removing all of the skin, fat, tendons, ligaments, and membranes. You should end up with many morsels of clean leg and arm meat. Set aside the bones (Side Note: the bone marrow makes a tasty treat spread on small toasts topped with fleur de sel). In a large sauté pan over medium heat, heat one tablespoon each of butter and olive oil and cook the potatoes until golden brown, about 20 minutes. While the potatoes are cooking, heat one tablespoon each of butter and olive oil in a medium sauté pan, and cook the mushrooms and shallots
until the mushrooms begin to release their liquid, about 10 minutes. Add one tablespoon of butter to a third sauté pan, and
sauté the meat on medium high heat for 2 minutes. Add the baby brown stock and reduce until the meat morsels have been glazed, about 10 minutes. Combine all with parsley, salt, and pepper, and keep warm.

Baby Breasts

2 baby breasts, skin on, cut in half length-wise
2T butter
1T grapeseed oil
salt and pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 450º

Pat the baby breasts dry and score the skin side of the breasts. Season with salt and pepper. In a large heavy oven-proof skillet, heat the butter and olive oil over high heat, and sear the baby breasts for 5 minutes until the skin is crisp and most of the fat has rendered off. Turn the breasts and sear for an additional minute. Transfer the skillet to the oven for 4 minutes.

Baby Demi-glace sauce

2c baby brown stock
1T butter, plus 1T cold butter
2T shallot, finely chopped
1/2c wild mushrooms, chopped
2T red wine
1t thyme, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Place the stock in a large pot and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to a simmer and simmer until reduced to 1/2 cup. In a saucepan over medium heat, add 1 tablespoon of the butter and melt. Add the shallot and saute until translucent, about 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms and saute until they have given off their liquid, about 5 minutes. Add the red wine and reduce until almost dry, about 1 minute. Add the stock and simmer to heat through. Add the thyme and season with salt and pepper. Finish with the remaining tablespoon butter.

Presentation

Fill the warm crepes with the morel, potato, and baby appendage filling and place two on each plate. Put a breast piece diagonally across, leaning on one of the crepes. Spoon the baby demi-glace sauce onto the plate around the breast. Wine Suggestion: A well-aged bottle of red Hermitage from the Northern Rhone would match the earthy, gamy flavors of this dish beautifully.


- Recipe submitted by Meaty Popsicles

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Rating: 4.5/5 (8 votes cast)

No Peeking Baby
  

Ingredients:

3 cups-cooked minute rice
1 can-cream of chicken soup.
1 can-cream of celery soup.
1 pack-dried onion soup mix
1/2 cup of water
2 to 3 baby limbs

Directions:
Preheat oven to 325 for 10 minutes. Mix cooked rice with chicken soup, celery soup & 1/2 cup of water.  Once well mixed, pour into a cake pan (glass or metal) (one of those rectangular pans)  I prefer glass and place baby limbs on top of rice.  Sprinkle dried onion soup mix over the top of baby limbs & rice.  Place two layers of aluminum foil over the top and bake for 2 hours.  (no peeking) Will feed 2 adults with some leftovers for lunch the following day. Enjoy!!!


– Recipe submitted by Jerry

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Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

“Neapolitan” Style Thrice Stuffed Baby with Sautéed Colon Polyps
  

Ingredients:

1 warm 8-10 lb baby (live or partially birthed, but aborted)
16 oz infant colon polyps (may be hard to find, try any children’s cancer hospital dumpster)
1/2 lb butter
Salt
Pepper
1 lb baby carrots
1 large sweet onion
1 bunch of celery
3 bay leafs
1 baby apple
1 can vegetable spray
1 Caucasian man (Vanilla)
1 Gay man (Strawberry)
1 African American man (Chocolate)

Grease a 12″x 24″ shallow cookie sheet. Place seasoned baby face down with apple in it’s mouth on cookie sheet on kitchen table with head towards the center of the table. Have the Caucasian man (whitey always goes first) step up to the table and spank the baby’s butt until it is pink. Then have the Caucasian man place the palms of his hands on each cheek of the now tender baby butt and insert both thumbs into the baby’s ass and pull the ass hole far enough apart to ease stuffing. (you will hear the baby’s hip break)
While the Caucasian man is holding the baby’s ass open, have the Gay man (he will probably volunteer) spray the Caucasian man’s penis with the vegetable spray and work in until erect. Have the Caucasian thrust his penis into the baby until he ejaculates his own special seasoning into the babies ass. Have the Gay man repeat the same steps. Then have the African American man wash your car, mow your lawn, clean your house, chop the onion, celery, and carrots. When you are satisfied with his work, let him do the baby too. Then have the African American stuff the onions, celery, bay leaf, and carrots into the seamen filled cavity of the baby while you, whitey, and the Gay man have a beer. Bake the thrice stuffed baby at 425 degrees for 1 hour. While the baby is baking, sauté the colon polyps in the butter. After 1 hour, take the baby out, cut into quarters, and ladle the sautéed colon polyps over the quartered baby, salt and pepper to taste and serve. After eating, have the African American clean up.


– Recipe submitted by Jennifer Diamico

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Rating: 5.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Moo Shu Baby
  

Ingredients:

One live Chinese baby
Flour pancakes
Baby carrots
Rice
Peas
Proper Moo Shu sauces, etc.

Preparation:

Prepare as you would any normal Moo Shu dish. Chinese Baby requires some precooking preparation. Firstly, blind baby using dental floss. Next, grate baby’s skin with cheese grater to obtain nice reddish/yellowish/whitish/bluish montage of color. Flash-fry baby, then slice into 1/4 inch pieces. Mix with peas, carrots, sauces. Serve over rice. If male baby, garnish with penis.

- Recipe submitted by Anonymous

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Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)